Inner musings

12/25 Durham, NC

I went for a walk with my new good friend, Margareta. She asks such good probing and constructive questions. She wanted to know about my expectations for my travels, which gave me pause, because I felt it deserved a better answer than I had at hand, and I realized I didn't fully know. Partly, that's the charm of what I am doing;...
there is drama and romance to an excursion into the unknown. But I replied also that perhaps in part, I am taking cover behind the drama. I have no mate and no offspring, no estate, and a career comprised of accomplishments that, while not insignificant, are projects undertaken in response to the expediences that presented themselves, but which I did not seek according to any design, and so in sum are not really me. (If I never see another Greek column again, that will be fine!) So, perhaps I want this adventure so that I have something to show, something I can have to tell. "I'm doing this thing." Is it another facade?

Or is it really, as I say it is, a personal quest who's significance will emerge in time? I'm obviously hoping for the latter. Expectations... In the end, I hope to find a community of people I like and an outdoors way of life. First and foremost, I hope to learn to meet people along the way in a more truthful way than I have up to now.

I have a couple of new mottoes. The more trivial one is, "It's not about the bus." Generally, I can easily focus on the task at hand, in this case all of the engineering and design of the built-ins, the electrical system, the kitchen, how I will maintain hygiene. But this trip is not about the bus, it's about the people I meet, so all of the engineering will be as efficient as I can make it so as not to distract from the more important focus. (I have a thread here called "The Build Out"; I wonder if I should start one called "The People"?)

The second motto is "Love the one you're with", which at first may seem an ironic motto for a solo road trip. But by this motto I mean, when opportunity presents itself, take it, don't hesitate, don't second guess and become paralyzed with thoughts of what alternatives there may be. So far on this adventure, each time I have taken the path directly ahead or gone forward to satisfy any small curiosity, I have invariably found something even more interesting than I could have possibly imagined.

So, I am doing this thing, and while it may in part, for the moment be an artifice, I don't think it's unrealistic to hope that in the end it will lead to something of substance.